New Year’s Resolutions for those looking for love in 2018

Resolutions. At this time, just about everyone’s making them. If you’re deciding on your goals in 2018, and putting “finding a soulmate” high on your list, congratulations. You’ve already taken an important first step.

That’s because, despite the still-popular believe that “love happens when you’re not looking for it,” we know this doesn’t happen very often. You have a much better chance of finding love if you do make a conscious effort to look for it. So, if you’re making this a resolution, it shows that you’re starting to think about what it takes to find love. That’s terrific.

But now comes the hard part – making that resolution stick. It’s no secret that most resolutions made on Jan. 1 are history by Feb. 1. But if you’re serious, there are steps you can take to keep this – and other – resolutions going. So, if you’re making resolutions anyway, here are some more that we, as elite matchmakers, suggest you add to your list if you’re looking for a meaningful relationship this year.

I resolve to think of my resolutions as a way of life. The best way to keep your resolutions is not to think of them as resolutions. It sounds ironic, but it’s true. Doctors and psychologists often say this about dieting, and with good reason. Real change involves a deep commitment to change, but somehow, telling yourself that you want to make new behaviors a part of your life is a lot less than saying, “I need to make drastic changes.” By saying that this is “a part of my life” you wind up having a clearer and more realistic view of the “big picture.” Which leads us to:

I resolve to remember that big steps start with little steps. Thinking “big picture” is important, but that’s only to proverbial “tip of the iceberg.” Let’s just assume that you’d love to fall in love this year. That’s terrific. But now you must think of the little steps that lead to love. Maybe you’ve given up on dating. You could make a resolution try dating again. Or maybe just to try to meet more singles this year. Let’s face it: before you fall in love, you must meet someone first! You have to think about how you are going to do that. When you look at it that way, you realize that these little steps are pretty big.

I resolve to keep my expectations realistic. Okay, you’ve made the effort to meet more singles. You say to yourself, “Today’s the day! I’m going to meet my soulmate!” But here’s the thing: It probably won’t happen just like that. You could go on a date, but feel no sparks. You could go to a singles event, and not meet anyone interesting. You could meet someone – only to find out that they’re not interested in you. The point is, you need to be realistic about this journey. It’s probably going to take some time. So, when you do go out, be hopeful and realistic. This will help you to keep going and avoid setbacks.

I resolve to possess all the traits in myself that I want in a partner. This goes along with being realistic, but it involves a little more soul-searching. The bottom line is, sparks must fly on both ends for love to bloom. Chances are, the match you’re interested in is looking for similar qualities in you. There’s an old saying, “Be like the person you want to marry.” The more you realize that, the better your chances are for success.

Now, we know that even you could be thinking, “I’m still not sure how to do all this.” This brings us to:

I resolve to call Elegant Introductions. Pardon the not-so-subtle plug, but matchmaking is not just our business – it’s our passion. We love matching successful singles, and we’ll help you every step of the way. We’ve already guided many singles, and you can read what they have to say here. You can also contact us at 305-615-1900 or get started right here online. We’d love to meet you and guide you on your road to romance in 2018.

 

Our favorite couples of 2017

This is the time for year in review lists, and as elite matchmakers, we’re always keeping up with what makes couples tick. In that regard, we present our favorite couples of 2017 — our list of couples who really caught our attention this year.

Some just began seeing each other this year. Others have been married for many years. But they all have one thing in common: they all faced challenges in their relationships, and yet they found ways to overcome them, and keep their love very much alive.

It’s always big news when famous couples break up. But what about the ones who get together – and stay together? We think they deserve our praise, and not just because of who they are. We can all learn from their stories, and their success.

So here, we’re not just presenting a list of favorite couples. We’re telling you why we like them. As elite matchmakers who meet many successful singles, we’ve discovered that, while every couple has their own unique traits and circumstances, there are elements of love that are pretty universal. These couples show us what true love and commitment are all about.

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry.  Of course, they are on our list. They are pretty much on everyone’s list – and for good reason.

Why we like them: They both confound popular expectations. An American actress, Meghan wasn’t expected to fall for a Prince. (Sure, Grace Kelly did it – but that was long ago.) Harry wasn’t expected to fall for an American. But they both opened up to the possibility of love. Now they – and the world – have a royal wedding to look forward to.

 

Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriquez. JLo and ARod. Don’t they just sound as though they should be together?

Why we like them: They both had similar obstacles to overcome. They’ve both been married before, and they were both divorced single parents. But they navigated those hurdles and found ways to connect with one another. Together with Jennifer’s two sons, and Alex’s two daughters, they’ve become a happy, blended family – a modern-day Brady Bunch. When it comes to love, it looks like they’ve both hit a home run.

 

Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell. They are husband and wife – and two of Hollywood’s busiest actors. Plus, through their humorous videos, they give us a refreshing glimpse into their married life.

Why we like them: Even after they’ve exchanged vows, they are refreshingly honest about what it takes to keep their relationship going. In an revealing interview with Today’s One Small Thing, Dax opened up about their marriage, and said: “Not unlike your body, which won’t just stay in shape on its own volition, you really have to be maintaining the relationship. And it’s often uncomfortable work, but it needs doing or we won’t stay together.” We couldn’t have said it better ourselves.

 

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban. – She’s one of Hollywood’s best actresses. He is a music superstar who fills arenas and sells millions of records. One of Hollywood’s top power couples, they’ve been married for 11 years now.

Why we like them: They both had great success this year. She won an Emmy for her heartbreaking performance as an abused wife in Big Little Lies. His album, Ripcord, was one of the year’s most popular CDs. Yet they both know that success does not necessarily bring love and happiness. As busy as they are, they know when it’s important to be there for one another. Nicole told People magazine this year that, especially after filming emotionally wrenching scenes for Big Little Lies, she was grateful to have Keith by her side when she got home. She said, “Luckily, I have a partner who is artistic so he understands what it takes to support that. I came home to loving arms, to someone who would hold me, and I was really upset at times.”

 

And last, but certainly not least:

Our client couples – as proud elite matchmakers, we want to give our biggest shout out to our clients who have either started relationships, or got married this year. Most are very private, and out of respect for their privacy, we can’t name them. But let’s just say it’s been a very good year – for them and for us.

Why we like them: There are so many reasons, but here are two big ones: they all showed a willingness to learn about themselves, and to open themselves and their hearts to their new soulmates. And we are thrilled and proud that they trusted us to guide them.

What about you? If you are single and looking for that special someone, contact us. Who knows? You could make our favorite couples list for next year!

 

Why you shouldn’t write off dating during December

As many of you read this, you are preparing for the holidays.  Or you’re busy holiday shopping, or readying to welcome snowbirds from up north, or thinking about New Year’s resolutions. Maybe, if you’re a professional multi-tasker, you’re doing all of the above.

But one thing you are probably not doing is dating. Many singles tend to write off their dating life in December, and pick it up again in January. That’s too bad, because you could be missing out on some wonderful opportunities to meet someone special.  As matchmakers, we’re here to tell you that the holiday season is really a wonderful time for dating.

Take, for example, your friends’ holiday celebrations. Many singles love them, because they’re always festive, and because even shy singles are never at a loss for conversation starters. You can go up to that cute guy you notice, and ask him anything from how he’s celebrating the holidays. There’s less pressure than there is at more structured events, and this normally makes singles more at ease.

Here are some other useful tips for meeting singles at holiday events.

  • Go with the attitude that you’re going to have a good time, no matter what.Especially if you’re going to a party where others are bringing partners or spouses, you could get down on yourself for not having a significant other. Do your best to avoid thinking like that. Think about the many blessings you already have in your life. That lends itself to a good attitude. Our research suggests a positive and joyous attitude is one of the greatest points of attraction.
  • Keep your conservation positive. When talking about yourself, or what you’ve been up to this year, focus on the highlights. We all have our down periods, but people you’re just meeting rarely want to hear about them. Save those for when you have a chance to know each other better.
  • Avoid talking about exes and past relationships. Wipe them out of your mind as if they don’t exist. Again, it’s the holidays. People who hardly know you want to hear about the positives. Focus any relationship conversation more on some of the things you enjoy doing with others. Keep it all about your present and your future.
  • Go easy on the drinking, and seek out others who are doing that, too. During the holidays, this can be easier said than done. But the hard truth is that almost nothing good ever comes from situations where you, or any prospective partners, drink too much. Have fun, of course, but know your limits.

In the long run, holiday dating is as much about attitude as it is about planning. If you really want to find a meaningful relationship, you must train yourself to be positive, and to tell yourself that it’s going to happen. The trick is to do this confidently, so that all your outstanding attributes and self-confidence shine through. That’s the second criteria our research suggests. Confidence is also one of the greatest attractions for singles.

The bottom line is, keep your mind open to all possibilities. You can invite a special someone to join you at one of the many new holiday movies out there. Or maybe a pleasant beach stroll if you have holiday vacation time. You get the picture.

With the right perspective, any season is the right season for finding a soulmate. So, don’t write December off. There’s still a chance that, when 2018 rolls around, you can start the year off with a promising new relationship.

We hope you are having a happy and joyous Chanukah!

Love,

Barbara and Nancy

 

 

 

 

Leave dating out of your business – and make it our business!

With all the news today about sexual harassment in the workplace, there are, no doubt, conversations going on in offices all over America about what is – and is not – acceptable behavior.

As these cases have proven, these conversations need to happen. For too long, many women thought they had no other option but to keep inappropriate behavior a secret. Now they have a voice – and they are finally being heard. As proof of a cultural milestone, look no further than Time Magazine, which, just this week, named “the silence breakers” as their Person of the Year.

But where does this leave singles who are respectful and professional, yet still consider their office as a good place to find dates? We’ve noticed that they, too, are asking a lot of questions now. Is it okay to flirt a little in the office? Can I tell an off-color joke? If I complement a co-worker on how nice she looks today, will I get reported to human resources?

For these singles (and let’s face it, we’re talking mostly to men here), we offer a novel suggestion: take any dating intentions out of your office and leave the matchmaking to us.

As elite matchmakers, we talk with many busy professionals who work very hard in their chosen fields. Often, they tell us that they don’t have time for dating, and the only singles they ever meet are co-workers.

This is an understandable dilemma. But the truth is, even for singles who do know the meaning of consensual when it comes to consensual relationships, there have always been obstacles with dating co-workers. There are fellow employees who talk behind your back, or treat you differently because they (rightly or wrongly) believe your relationship gives you an unfair professional advantage. There is the fact that, if your relationship does not work out, you probably won’t be able to make a “clean break” unless one of you leaves your job.

And then there is another issue that is just now being discussed culturally and professionally: power dynamics. Let’s say, for example, that you’re a senior partner in a law firm. Your firm has just hired an adorable young paralegal fresh out of college. You meet each other, you think there could be sparks, and you start dating. But ask yourself, even if this is a consensual relationship, is it really an equal relationship? Obviously, every relationship is different, but chances are, this would not qualify as equal, regardless of intentions.

For these reasons, many companies have what are called anti-fraternization policies, which discourage inter-office dating, especially if one employee is higher up on the professional ladder than the other.

That is why it makes sense to trust us to do your relationship searching for you. After all, we are busy professionals, too. As matchmakers, we are as dedicated to our business as you are to yours. We will meet with you, get to know you, and find out all about your values, life goals, and relationship goals. Then, we do our best to provide you with matches who are as determined as you are to find a serious, fulfilling, and respectful relationship.

As elite matchmakers, we only select clients we know we can match. And each potential client is seriously vetted (to ensure, among other things, that if someone has even a hint of sexual harassment in their past, we would not accept them as a client.) For us, matchmaking is not a job; it’s a passion. It’s a wonderful thing to have clients report back to us after first dates and tell us that they met someone special.

We hear this a lot from busy professionals who are frustrated by the lack of time they have for a social life. One of them recently told us: “As a physician, its became nearly impossible to juggle my career and make time to socialize throughout the week.  Barbara and Nancy make the dating experience easy and pleasant.  They connect me with quality singles of the community.  I highly recommend Elegant Introductions.” Click here to read more testimonials from clients who turn to us to help find their soulmates.

Now, more than ever, it’s best to be strictly business when it comes to your business. As for finding your soulmate? Well, that’s our business!

 

 

Yes, blind dates can work out very well. Just ask our clients!

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle met on a blind date, and now they are engaged!

Does the idea of a blind date make you shudder? If you answer yes, you are hardly alone.

This is understandable in some ways. In most movies or television shows, the blind date often goes horribly wrong. Or maybe you’ve had some experiences where well-intentioned people tried to set you up, and it just didn’t work out.

As elite matchmakers, we believe blind dates have received a bad rap – and we are out to change your perception of them. When you meet with us at Elegant Introductions, we do many things for you. We get to know you very well, we get a sense of what you are looking for, and we do our very best to match you with compatible partners. We also thoroughly vet all our clients, so you can be sure your matches really are who they say they are.

However, one thing we do not do is show you pictures of your potential matches. Nor do we allow you to contact them ahead of time. The singles we meet often resist this at first. Especially now, in the age of Tinder, OkCupid and so many other sites, they are used to seeing a photo first.

But here’s where we go back to the idea of blind dates, and their many advantages. In the best of circumstances, blind dates are set up by people who really know you well, and believe they have a match for you. Did you know that this is exactly how Prince Harry and Meghan Markle met? It’s true! They were set up by friends who knew that they had similar interests — and they were right on target. Now, as most of the world knows, Meghan and Harry are engaged!

We set our clients, Carol and Blake, up on a blind date because we knew they shared similar values and interests. They clicked instantly, and now they are happily married.
We set our clients, Carol and Blake, up on a blind date because we knew they shared similar values and interests. They clicked instantly, and now they are happily married.

The best blind dates are based not on photos, but on the intuition of people who really know what makes you tick. This is exactly what we do at Elegant Introductions. We understand your values, your interests, and your hopes for the future. Then, we look through our extensive private data base to select potential matches. You won’t know what your potential date looks like right away, but you will know things far more important, like what you have in common, shared values and what his/her relationship goals are. These are topics that inspire conversation, and when you think about it, the best first dates are almost always about conversation. When you spend a first date talking about things that really matter to both of you, odds are very good that there will be a second date – and many more after that.

We know that blind dates work because we have a 90 percent success rate. We love matching clients like Carol and Blake. We arranged a blind date for them because we knew they had many things in common. They clicked instantly – and now they are married. We were so joyous and proud when Carol recently wrote to us and said, “Thank you for introducing me to the man of my dreams. You and your agency go above and beyond. I have you to thank for matching me with my soul mate!

You can read many more enthusiastic testimonials on our website. If you are single and searching for your soulmate, give us a call at 305-615-1900, or click here to get started. Once we get to know you, we’ll change your mind about blind dates — and get you going on the road to your own royal romance!

 

The dos and don’ts of dating “out of your league”

Sometimes, dating "out of your league" can actually work. Just ask Meghan Markle, who is dating Prince Harry.
Sometimes, dating “out of your league” can actually work. Just ask Meghan Markle, who is dating Prince Harry.

How many times have you spotted someone you’d like to date, only to have that little voice inside your head tell you she’s/he’s “out of your league”? Should you ignore that voice – or listen to it? The answer depends on a variety of circumstances. 

As elite matchmakers, we only accept clients who we believe we can match. As we always say, we stress quality over quantity. Yet even catches can have unrealistic expectations. 

Much of this is cultural. Society tells us that “marrying up” – or deliberately searching for someone wealthier, more successful, or better looking than we are — is the way to go. Who among us didn’t cheer for Cinderella when the Prince placed that glass slipper on her foot? Or commiserate with Snow White when she sang that someday, her prince would come? 

Unfortunately, there’s an enormous difference between fairy tales and the real world. When it comes to dating, I always encourage clients to be hopeful and realistic. A man with model-like looks probably isn’t going to be interested in you unless you also look like a model. A wealthy, successful woman probably isn’t going to put you on her radar unless you come close to where she is in life.

But then again, the key word here is “probably.” Because there are those rare – and I do mean RARE – cases where going out of your league proves successful.

A few weeks ago, we wrote about Prince Harry and his romance with actress Meghan Markle. Some would say that Meghan is out of Harry’s league. She is certainly beautiful, but she’s not royalty. And she’s a working actress, but she doesn’t exactly have Meryl Streep’s name recognition. (Not yet, anyway.) 

The key here is that Harry and Meghan both have attitudes and beliefs that could very well transcend the usual norms of wealth, class, and success, and ultimately lead to a trip down the aisle. Harry has the ability to be very open-minded about the type of woman he dates. And even before she met Harry, Meghan possessed a keen sense of who she is. She quite rightly believes that Harry is as lucky to have her as she is to have him.

Too often, it’s a deep-rooted lack of self-esteem that makes people yearn for dating someone out of their league. They don’t like who they are, or where they are, and they’re hoping for someone to “rescue” them. The trouble is, there are very few people who want to do that. Even if they are willing, that’s not necessarily a good thing, because these types often demand someone that they can over-power. This is not anyone’s idea of an equal relationship. 

So, while I don’t normally recommend dating out of your league, I would say it’s okay if – and only if – you know yourself well enough to overcome any obstacles. 

It’s sort of like playing the lottery. There are people in this world who know full well that their chances of winning are slim, yet they still throw in a few bucks just because they know that there’s a chance (albeit a slim one) that they’ll hit the jackpot. When they don’t, they shrug it off, maybe joke a little (“Well, I guess they will see me in the office Monday morning after all.”) and let life go on as normal. This is exactly the type of person you must be to date out of your league.

If you’re really hoping to find lasting love, there’s something to be said for dating within your league. It shows that you know yourself well, and have realistic expectations. After all, love has nothing to do with wealth, looks, or even success. It’s about two people who support one another, understand one another, and stick with each other through thick and thin. It’s about being with someone who feels like a comfortable pair of shoes, someone you can trust and be your true self. This holds true, no matter what league you’re in.

Love,

Dr. Nancy

 

 

The power of communicating with your heart

You might have to take the lead when it comes to heart-to-heart communication with your man. But it's worth it.
You might have to take the lead when it comes to heart-to-heart communication with your man. But it’s worth it.

When it comes to lasting relationships, do you know what the most important part of a man’s body is?

It’s not what you think. It’s his…heart. That’s right – his heart. One of the biggest myths about men is that they can’t handle emotions. In my years of practice – and certainly in my life – I’ve learned that the opposite is true. Men love emotions. In fact, in relationships, they often count on them. The more you can communicate your true emotions, the more comfortable he feels about communicating with you.

So, when you are with your boyfriend or husband, how do you communicate with your heart? Here are some common-sense tips, based on years of experience.

Be observant. Before you say a word, it helps to truly take notice of what your partner’s doing – or not doing. Does he look you in the eyes, or does he look way? Is he comfortable standing close to you, or does he keep a distance? Is he calm during disagreements, or does he have a temper? There are no right or wrong answers here. The important thing is to be aware of where your partner is coming from.

Listen – without judgement. Granted, this is hard to do – especially if you are justifiably upset about something. Yet, for truly open communication, this is essential. If he is telling you something and you are not sure you understand what he’s saying, it’s fine to ask him to clarify things. You can say something like “Let me understand you correctly. You are telling me that…” Then, repeat what you think he said. Even in the heat of an argument, your partner will appreciate this. He will know that you want to understand him.

Ask questions. If you completely get what your partner is saying, that’s fantastic. But it doesn’t always work out that way. In this situation, don’t be afraid to ask specific questions. Too often, women resist doing this with a man, for fear that they’ll come off as “too prodding” – or even worse, a “nag.” Do your best to resist that fear. Some men are great communicators – and others need help. This is where questions come in handy.

Tell him how you’re feeling. Once you understand of what your partner is saying, then share how you are feeling with him. Be honest. After all, he needs to know where you are coming from. Try to do this without placing blame. Even if blame is justified, it will only make him defensive. Just tell him how you feel, and see how he responds. If you have a healthy relationship to begin with, your partner should at least acknowledge your feelings.

Point out the positives. Even in the middle of an argument or a difficult conversation, it’s important to let your partner know that he is not being attacked. Before telling him something that he probably does not want to hear, start by communicating what he means to you. You could say something like, “You know I love you and our relationship means everything to me…” and then say what needs to be said.

Apologize…but only if you mean it. There will, of course, be times when he tells you things you don’t want to hear. If he points out an honest fault of yours, that needs to be acknowledged. An apology would be appropriate, but – and this is a big but – only if you are honestly sorry. And only if you can articulate how you can truthfully do better. Do not, under any circumstances, tell him your sorry if that’s not true. Yes, this might calm the argument down, but those hurt feelings of yours are sure to resurface in other ways.

Practice these steps, and in no time, you will be a solid heart-to-heart communicator. When you communicate with your heart, you pay attention not only to what you say, but also to how you say it. As a woman, you may very well need to take the lead on this, but it’s worth it. When your man knows that he can feel comfortable expressing himself with you, there’s a much better chance to have a relationship based on mutual respect, honesty – and ever-lasting love.

Love,

Dr. Nancy

 

How To Avoid Dating Insanity

You’ve probably heard this modern-day definition of insanity – doing the same things over and over, yet somehow expecting different results. Many singles have this same mindset when it comes to dating. The good news is that you can change this way of thinking.

It’s certainly true that the older we get, the more set in our ways we get. In the right context, these patterns and habits are very positive. They help us define our values, our desires, and our priorities. But if we rely on them too much, there’s a danger in becoming rigid. You become so set in your life and your ways that, when you do start dating, it can become difficult to have a healthy, communicative relationship with your partner.

This is especially true if you’ve recently been through a divorce or a break-up. It’s easy to say it was the other person’s fault. In most cases, though, it was a shared responsibility. If it takes two to make a relationship, it also takes two to break a relationship.

The best way to avoid dating insanity – using the same patterns on different people – is to take the time to look inside yourself to find out what worked (and what didn’t) in your recent relationship.

How do you do that? Well, if you’ll pardon the shameless promo here, you can contact us at Elegant Introductions. We are dating and relationship experts, and one of our major advantages is that, before we even set you up on a date, we really get to know you. This includes going over past relationships. We can help you discover things you might be doing that – even if they felt right at the time – could be blind spots or stumbling blocks to securing a new, happy and sustainable relationship. Maybe you’ve been too trusting. Or too demanding. Or too over-protective. You get the picture.

This is not about making you feel bad about yourself; it’s about taking a good look at yourself, and focusing on how you can do better the next time. We all have imperfections – and we all bring them with us when we enter relationships. Too often, it’s the failure to address them that drives a couple apart.

To change your patterns, you must be willing to look deep inside yourself and be open to new ways of thinking. Change isn’t easy, especially as we get older. But it is so worth the effort. Positive change brings about a renewed sense of self-confidence, and when you start dating again, this is something that future partners will notice and appreciate.

Read: 5 Easy Ways To Avoid Stress On A First Date

By saying good-bye to old, destructive relationship patterns, you say hello to self-discovery, self-love, and new romantic possibilities. This is how healthy relationships start – and how they last.

 

If you currently have a dating life that is insanity, are in South Florida, and are looking to start working with Elegant Introduction’s award-winning matchmakers, please contact us by filling out the form below.

 

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5 simple tips for relieving stress on a date

If you love the outdoors, a picnic date could be less stressful than a more traditinoal date.
If you love the outdoors, a picnic date could be less stressful than a more traditinoal date.

Stress – that’s a subject that most of us can relate to big time. It seems like we’re all stressed to some extent, but that doesn’t make it easier when you must deal with it.

When it comes to dating, many our clients say that they feel stressed. This is understandable. It’s natural to be nervous when you meet someone you don’t know very well. Add to that the possibility that this person might become your future soulmate, and you can see where nerves have a field day. But the key is to keep those natural nerves from festering. This is what breeds stress. The good news is that there are some simple tips to keep those nerves in check.

  1. Location, location, location. Believe it or not, the site of your date plays a lot into your comfort factor. For some, the finest or newest or hottest restaurant in town is perfect for a first date. But for others, there’s the feeling that this atmosphere creates a lot of expectations. If this is you, remember there are many other options. Many first dates now happen over coffee at Starbucks. There’s something about a coffee house that makes it a more relaxed atmosphere. If you’re both love the outdoors, a picnic in the park can make a terrific first date. Make sure you decide on a place that makes you both feel comfortable.
  2. Time matters, too. Just like the location of your date, the time of day also plays a factor in your comfort level. Traditionally, dates occur in the evening, but again, there are those who believe that night dates carry too many expectations. That’s why lunch dates are becoming more and more popular. They’re usually shorter, and if you say that you must get back to the office, it usually means that you really do have to get back to the office. If you and your date find that you’re connecting with one another, you can always plan for a longer date for next time.
  3. Remember to breathe. Before you say, “Of course I will breathe,” let me explain a little further. Sure, everyone breathes. But as far as relaxation goes, most people do not breathe correctly. We take short breaths, and we rarely even think about them. To relax, you need to take deep breaths, hold them for about a second or two, then release slowly. (There are many other deep breathing techniques, but this is one of the easiest ways to de-stress quickly.) If you don’t feel comfortable doing this in public, take a minute to go to the bathroom and breathe there. When you do this, you are literally giving your brain a message to calm down. Your brain then dutifully spreads that message throughout your body. Your heart rate slows down. Your blood pressure is reduced. Very quickly, you are much more relaxed, and ready to show your date how terrific you are.
  4. Don’t fear imperfections. Does this sound familiar? You’re out with a great date. You’re really clicking – and then you spill a little wine on your lap. You want to crawl under the table, right? Don’t even think about that. It’s much better to acknowledge this little slip up. You can crack a little joke about it (“Oh well, at least I’m giving my dry cleaners some new business.”) Or you can simply say, “I’m sorry. I’m just a little nervous.” Often, this endears you to your date. After all, nobody’s perfect, and you’re showing her that when unexpected things happen, you know how to handle them.
  5. Exit plans are your friends. Of course, you hope the date goes well. But on dates, as in life, a little planning never hurts. A common one is to have a friend call you during the date. If the date’s going well, you won’t even answer the call. But if there’s no connection with your date at all, well then, my goodness, you’ve suddenly got an emergency to deal with. Of course, if you have the wherewithal to tell the guy that this just isn’t going well, then more power to you. But whatever your exit strategy is, it helps to have one.

Above all, remember that a date is just that. A date. It’s nowhere near a commitment. Once you realize this, it frees you up to be more like yourself. It is one more experience that will only help you as you continue your journey to find your soulmate. She is out there. You may just have to calm your nerves to find her.

 

Melania, Ivana, and the importance of boundaries with exes

Exes. You couldn’t live with them. You want to live without them. But – like death and taxes – they’re a part of life.

Under the best of circumstances, you and your ex part on friendly terms, and even remain friends. (Yes, this is possible.) Or maybe you’re not on great terms, but you both have sense enough to realize that it’s better to just move on, and go your own separate ways with no contact. You don’t talk to one another, but you don’t get on each other’s nerves, either.

But then, there are circumstances where exes cannot be avoided. The obvious example is when children are involved. But there are other scenarios, too. Maybe you and your ex work in the same office, or the same field. Maybe you are both still in the same social circles. And don’t forget, if you’re dating, your partner has exes, too.

So how do you face exes effectively? The answer is – drumroll, please – boundaries.

Last week, we saw a high-profile example of a lack of boundaries –  courtesy of President Trump’s first and current wives. It all started when the President’s first wife, Ivana, promoted her new book, Raising Trump. In an interview with ABC, she called herself “first lady.” She said:

“I have the direct number to White House but I don’t really want to call him there because Melania is there and I don’t really want to cause any kind of jealousy or something like that because I’m basically first Trump wife, OK? I’m first lady, OK?”

Understandably, this didn’t sit well with Melania. It can be construed as a disparaging remark from an ex-wife who still considers herself to be more important because she married Trump first. Ivana crossed a boundary, and she did so very publicly.

Unfortunately, Melania’s response didn’t help. Perhaps she and Ivana are not on speaking terms, and that’s fine if they feel that’s what’s best. But Melania could still have found a way to respond privately to Ivana’s remarks. Instead, she, too, crossed a boundary publicly. She had her communications director release a statement that said:

“Mrs. Trump plans to use her title and role to help children, not sell books.  There is clearly no substance to this statement from an ex. This is unfortunately only attention-seeking and self-serving noise.”

Ouch. Clearly, the first Mrs. Trump and the current Mrs. Trump are not exactly pals – and that’s okay. No one is saying that you must like an ex. But here’s the thing: When you cross boundaries with exes, who does this help? Except for one fleeting bit of personal satisfaction, what are the benefits in reacting this way?

The answer is: none. It certainly does not help you deal with your ex, or your partner’s ex. Unfortunately, we live in a world where this kind of public sniping is more and more common. Too often now, couples post nasty things about each other – and their exes — on social media. Again, what good does this really do?

You might think that it helps to publicly “get back” at someone who “wronged” you. In reality, it doesn’t help at all. As matchmakers and relationship coaches, we encourage our clients to adapt a different approach when it comes to break-ups, exes, and boundaries. The goal is to be as understanding with one another as possible – and to set up rules if needed. If an issue needs to be discussed (or argued), do it behind closed doors; not in front of the entire world. (And certainly not in front of children.) If you’re having trouble with your partner’s ex, have your partner speak with her and set up boundaries. Since he had a relationship with her, he knows her better than you do. By the same token, you’re probably better suited to speak with your ex about boundaries, if needed.

No doubt, boundaries can be difficult, especially when it comes to exes. But they are essential for personal growth. Hopefully, Ivana and Melania will learn this. Hopefully, you’ll always remember it.