Ask Nancy: How do I stop comparing my date to my late husband?

Dear Nancy,

My husband has been deceased for 15 years. I’m looking for a new relationship, but every time I go on a date, I can’t help but compare everyone to my late husband. Do you have any advice for me? – Estelle H.

Dear Estelle,

It’s important not to compare your dates to anyone. No one is ever going to fill your late husband’s shoes. It’s important to stay in the present and find the qualities you’re looking for now in a potential partner. If your new partner meets those qualities, that’s a very good sign. You should certainly talk about your late husband. He was, after all, an important your life. But don’t frame this as a competition between your late husband and your new partner. Think of it as letting your partner get to know you better by learning about your life and your experiences. Do this, and you can have some very lovely new experiences awaiting you.

Got a dating or relationship question? Get expert advice from Nancy Gold, co-founder of Elegant Introductions. Aside from being a professional matchmaker with Elegant Introductions, Nancy is a psychologist who has been counseling individuals and couples for the past 25 years. If you have a dating or relationship question, just send it to social@jelegantintroductions.com and put Ask Nancy in the subject line. Be sure to include your full name and email address. (This is for verification only. To protect your privacy, we only use first names and initials online.) Nancy will be glad to answer as many questions as possible.

 

Ask Nancy: How do I stop comparing my date to my late husband?

Believe it or not, Chanukah is right around the corner. The first candle will be lit December 6, a little more than a month from now. Why are we telling you this? Because, as Jewish matchmakers, we know that Chanukah is not just a time of joy and of giving; it’s also a great time for dating and meeting new people—if you have the right attitude and plan accordingly.

Many Jewish singles tend to write off their dating life in December, and pick it up again in January. That’s unfortunate, because the December holidays provide several wonderful opportunities to meet someone special. Many singles love going to Chanukah celebrations, because they’re always festive, and because even shy singles are never at a loss for conversation starters. You can go up to that cute guy you notice, and ask him anything from how he’s celebrating the holiday to how he likes his latkes. There’s less pressure than there is at more structured dating events, and this normally makes Jewish singles more at ease.

In its own way, even Christmas can be a prime time for Jewish singles. Many Jewish groups, synagogues and JCCs plan social events on or around Christmas Day. Still other Jewish organizations mark December 25 as a Day of Community Service. It’s a good idea to start looking for these events, and to plan on attending. (Many events fill up fast, to that’s another reason to start planning now.)

There are several online Jewish community event calendars that help make planning easier. The Greater Miami Jewish Federation, the Jewish Federation of Broward County, and the Jewish federations in  Boca Raton and West Palm Beach, all have online holiday event listings—some created especially for Jewish singles. Just click on their links, find what interests you, and reserve your spot. Don’t even think too much about it. Go with the attitude that you’re going to have a good time, no matter what. Even on the off chance that you don’t have a good time, it’s just one event out of your life. You tried it and you made the effort. That’s all that matters. By far, the benefits of meeting new friends outweigh the chances of a bad time.

And when you’re at your holiday event, remember these simple tips:

  • Keep your conservation positive. When talking about yourself, or what you’ve been up to this year, focus on the highlights. We all have our down periods, but people you’re just meeting rarely want to hear about them. Save those for when you have a chance to know each other better.
  • Avoid talking about exes and past relationships. Wipe them out of your mind as if they don’t exist. Again, it’s the holidays. People who hardly know you want to hear about the positives. Focus any relationship conversation more on what you’re looking for now in a relationship. Keep it all about your present and your future.
  • Go easy on the drinking, and seek out others who are doing that, too. During the holidays, this can be easier said than done. But the hard truth is that almost nothing good ever comes from situations where you, or any prospective partners, drink too much. Have fun, of course, but know your limits.

In the long run, holiday dating is as much about attitude as it is about planning. If you really want to find a serious relationship, you have to train your mind to be positive, and to tell yourself that it’s going to happen. The trick is to do this confidently, so that all your outstanding attributes and self-confidence shine through.

Remember, if you need coaching and guidance, Elegant Introductions is here for you. Contact us so that we can share our expertise about opening your heart and your mind to the possibilities of meeting your special Jewish soulmate. With our help, you could be lighting the menorah with your new love next year.

 

Ask Nancy: How do I stop building a wall every time I get into a relationship?

Dear Nancy,

I really want a relationship but I build a wall every time I get close to another person. Help! – Miriam G.

Dear Miriam,

Your thoughts are interfering with your heart. Try to examine what it is that is preventing you from moving forward when there’s a possibility of a new relationship. Is it fear of rejection, failure, or getting hurt? It’s very possible that your memories of past relationships are stopping you from forming new ones. You probably need to learn and practice new behaviors that may stop you from sliding into your familiar patterns. With the right attitude, this can be a fun and enlightening journey of self-discovery. When the next person comes along in your life, just take it slow. Build a strong friendship, and share your feelings before moving ahead with an intimate relationship. It can be scary to take this leap, but it’s well worth it.

Got a dating or relationship question? Get expert advice from Nancy Gold, co-founder of Elegant Introductions. Aside from being a professional matchmaker with Elegant Introductions, Nancy is a psychologist who has been counseling individuals and couples for the past 25 years. If you have a dating or relationship question, just send it to social@jelegantintroductions.com and put Ask Nancy in the subject line. Be sure to include your full name and email address. (This is for verification only. To protect your privacy, we only use first names and initials online.) Nancy will be glad to answer as many questions as possible.

This is the time for Jewish singles to embrace new beginnings

Now that the Jewish holidays are behind us, and everyone’s back to their normal schedules, it’s a good time to be reminded of what we promised ourselves just a few weeks ago—to be even better as individuals than we were last year.

This is the time of year when everything’s new again. Simchat Torah marked the completion of the annual reading of the Torah—and the commitment to read it once again from the beginning. This notion of starting over is recognized often in Judaism, and it reminds us that so many things in our lives come in cycles.

Dealing with endings is often painful, but it’s important to remember that endings can also bring the promise of new beginnings.

If you’re a Jewish single in today’s dating scene, you probably know all about beginnings and endings. Maybe you’ve gone through a divorce, or the end of a relationship that you hoped would be “the one.” Or maybe you’re tired of always “beginning again,” because your dating life doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.

You probably think it’s easier to give up on finding a serious relationship. But more often than not, it only seems easier to think that way. Negative thoughts like this can lead to low self-esteem, which is never easy to live with.

So, how do you find the determination to start over again?

  • First, remind yourself of what Judaism tells us—that endings are a part of life, and that starting over again builds resilience and confidence. You’ve probably heard the old saying “When G-d closes a door, He opens a window.” It may sound corny, but it’s true.
  • Before you start over again, take time for serious reflection. If you haven’t had much luck with relationships, use this time to figure out why that is. You may think that you’re doing everything right, but here’s a hard truth: usually both parties are at least somewhat responsible when a relationship goes sour—or when a relationship doesn’t even get off the ground in the first place. Remember that introspection is a positive thing—and it’s also a Jewish thing. There’s always room for self-improvement.
  • Take a look around you. Think of the couples you know. How many of them have known each other since childhood, have only dated each other, and have remained happily married? Probably very few. As for the rest, they’ve been where you are. They’ve known the pain of break-ups or even divorces. Yet they preservered. And guess what? They, too, have to muster the strength for endings and new beginnings. Jobs end. Children grow up and move away. Even if a couple has been together for a long time, they’ve probably faced relationship challenges at one time or another. They know all too well that nothing ever stays the same, and that adapting to change is important for their relationship.

So, as this new year is still in its fresh beginning stage, remember that there are always opportunities to begin again.

Elegant Introductions can help you do this. We are Jewish matchmakers, and yet we are so much more. We take the time to get to know you personally, and we can help make sure that, when it comes to dating, you are indeed ready to start over. Contact us today and let us help you get started on your new beginning.

 

 

 

Ask Nancy: If I’m dating a man with less resources, how do I stop money from coming between us?

Dear Nancy,

I think I’m falling in love with a man who has far less resources than I do. He’s everything that I could ask for, but I’m frightened that money might come between us. What should I do? – Arlene W.

Dear Arlene,

Try not to let it. Ask yourself what’s the most important aspect of what you’re looking for in a relationship: love security, respect…. If you open your heart and mind to your inner feelings and turn off your preconceived wish list, you may find your way to a long lasting loving relationship. This may very well involve doing things that he can afford, which means that your dates might be a little more scaled down from what you’re used to. If you still have a lot of fun and find opportunities to connect with him, that’s a very good sign. You should also feel comfortable enough to have an open and honest conversation about money. This is a must for all couples, but it’s especially true in your situation. If this man is indeed everything you could ask for, chances are that talk will go better than you could even expect.

Got a dating or relationship question? Just send it to social@jelegantintroductions.com and put Ask Nancy in the subject line. Be sure to include your full name and email address. (This is for verification only. To protect your privacy, we only use first names and initials online.) Nancy will be glad to answer as many dating or relationship questions as possible.

When it comes to dating, trust yourself more and question yourself less

Questions. Life is full of them, and many of us were rightly taught to always ask questions.  We’re encouraged to ask questions, both to fortify our minds, and to gain a better understanding of the world around us.

These are always good questions: Do I want to have more children? Am I satisfied with my life? You should ask yourself these questions—at least occasionally. But when you constantly question yourself to the point where it becomes difficult to see things clearly, that’s a big red flag.

For singles, this constant questioning can do more to hurt a relationship than to help it. Say, for example, that you and your date were planning a romantic candlelight dinner. Then he calls you that afternoon, profusely apologizes, and says he has to work late. Sure, you’re disappointed. But how do you handle that? Are you supportive and understanding – or do all these questions start taking space in your head? Is it me? Does he really want to go out with me? Has he found someone else?

As long as he doesn’t make this type of thing a habit, it’s probably just one of those things he couldn’t avoid. It doesn’t have anything to do with you. Over-questioning can lead to a lot of insecurity. You start doubting yourself unnecessarily. This isn’t good for you, or your relationship.

So, how do you stop over-questioning? Here are some powerful and practical tips I’ve learned over the years.

  • Pause and take a deep breath. When it comes to taming irrational questions, just a few deep breaths can work wonders. No matter how busy you are, just stop for a few minutes. Close your eyes, and breathe deeply. If you can get yourself to a calm, relaxing room, or maybe even take a little walk on the beach, that’s even better. You’ll think much more clearly—often in a surprisingly short amount of time.
  • Replace unhealthy questions with healthy ones. This tip works especially well if you’re analytical by nature. Go back to the same scenario above. Your man cancels your romantic dinner because he’s working late. If your mind automatically goes to what’s wrong with me, stop for a moment and think of smart questions to ask yourself. Does he do this often? No. Does he have a crazy-busy job? Yes. Wasn’t it just last weekend when he looked me in the eyes and told me how special I was? Yes. By replacing your irrational thoughts with reasoning based in actual reality, you gain keen insight and focus. Even more important, you stop doubting yourself.
  • Call your best, most rational friend. You know, the one you can always count on for spot-on advice. Call her (or him.) Chances are, your pal will tell you (in a friendly way) how ridiculous you’re being. Really, they aren’t telling you anything you don’t already know, but hearing this from someone you respect, love, and trust can be just what you need.
  • Practice being in the now—and keep practicing every day. Just like your body needs exercise to stay healthy, so does your brain. In fact, physical activity is great for your brain as well as your body. There are many other methods: yoga, meditation, daily affirmations, and mindfulness exercises, just to name a few. Pick the method that feels right to you, and stick with it. When you train yourself to focus on the reality of the present, you become much better at fending off self-defeating questions in the first place.

It’s all about learning to trust yourself more, and question yourself less. It takes practice, but it’s more than worth it. Think about it. You’re probably a pro at trusting your instincts when it comes to other areas of your life. It doesn’t have to be different when it comes to dating.

Of course, if you could use some guidance in learning to trust yourself, contact us. You are not alone. Dating can easily bring up uncertainty and insecurities in just about anyone. By taking the time to get to know you, we’ll help you gain the confidence you need to navigate the dating world successfully.

Nancy

Ask Nancy: Should I change my signature hairstyle to get more dates?

Introducing our new feature: Ask Nancy.

Nancy Gold, co-founder of Elegant Introductions, is a psychologist who has been counseling individuals and couples for the past 25 years. We’ve invited readers and social media followers to submit dating and relationship questions to Nancy, and the response has been tremendous! Here, she will answer those questions, in the hope of helping singles navigate today’s complex dating scene.

Dear Nancy,

Recently I’ve received a number of comments from men about how I wear my hair. This has been my hairstyle for many years and I consider it my signature style. But now I’m wondering if changing my hairstyle might just make me more attractive and improve my dating life. What should I do? – Judy B.

Dear Judy,

Keep an open mind. Although you don’t have to change completely with each new style, it would be good to have a few objective opinions from others (not family or friends who know you and relate to your historical style). Try something new. You may like it and get a lot of compliments. The important thing is, your new style should appeal to your tastes. You should never go with a style you hate, just to please a man. For many singles — both women and men — new styles of hair or clothes can be a real confidence booster. That’s a good thing, because confidence never goes out of style.

Got a dating or relationship question? Just send it to social@jelegantintroductions.com and put Ask Nancy in the subject line. Be sure to include your full name and email address. (This is for verification only. To protect your privacy, we only use first names and initials online.) Nancy will be glad to answer as many dating or relationship questions as possible.

Proper grammar: an overlooked virtue in the dating world

Have you ever received a text that says YOLO or whaassup? You grin and bear it because it’s supposed to be the new way of communicating, but you probably wonder what’s happening with the English language.

You’re not alone. According to this fascinating article in the Wall Street Journal, singles place a very high value on proper speaking and grammar usage. For many, poor grammar is a deal-breaker.

We know that many of our clients feel this way. After all, they are among South Florida’s most sophisticated and successful singles. Most of them would have never gotten to where they are if they didn’t have the ability to speak professionally and clearly. And most of them expect this from their prospective dates. We’ve had several clients come to us because they’re tired of all the modern-day slang they see in so many online dating sites and phone apps. They yearn for someone who can actually still write complete sentences; someone who clearly says what they mean. We can’t blame them.

When you come to us at Elegant Introductions, we can coach you on effective speaking and writing. For many Miami singles, English is not their first language. We give them tips on how to write and communicate more effectively. It’s one of the ways that we cover all the bases in the dating world. It’s our business to know what singles want, as well as the little things — like grammar — that can actually sink a date if you’re not careful.

Contact us today and see for yourself how detailed we are when it comes to helping you find a partner.

Ask Nancy: How to handle dating a man with a small child

Introducing our new feature: Ask Nancy.

Nancy Gold, co-founder of Elegant Introductions, is a psychologist who has been counseling individuals and couples for the past 25 years. We’ve invited readers and social media followers to submit dating and relationship questions to Nancy, and the response has been tremendous! Here, she will answer those questions, in the hope of helping singles navigate today’s complex dating scene.

Dear Nancy,

I’m dating a man who has a small child with joint custody and no child care. Because his ex-wife works evenings, he assumes the responsibility for child care including bathing, feeding etc. This results in his being unavailable in the evenings unless he brings his son along. I really like this guy but how do we move forward? – Ellen K.

Dear Ellen,

He sounds like a very caring, attentive father, and even if he brings his son along on dates, it shows that he’s at least trying to find a way make things work between the two of you. Is there any chance to have an honest conversation with him? Most important: he shouldn’t feel pressure, but he should realize himself if he wants to move forward in a relationship he will need to make some private time. Good luck to the both of you.

Got a dating or relationship question? Just send it to social@jelegantintroductions.com and put Ask Nancy in the subject line. Be sure to include your full name and email address. (This is for verification only. To protect your privacy, we only use first names and initials online.) Nancy will be glad to answer as many dating or relationship questions as possible.